Navigating Our Bodies: A Guide For Couples

Navigating Our Bodies: A Guide For Couples

by | Oct 1, 2024 | Articles

Navigating Our Bodies: A Guide For Couples

I sometimes help clients navigate the tender, raw places where intimacy meets resistance. Where the messiness of being human confronts the myth of how things “should” be—especially when it comes to sex, aging, illness, trauma, and our ever-changing bodies. Dr. Emily Nagoski talks about being in our bodies in Come Together. It is a powerful invitation to lay down our armor and meet ourselves—and our partners—with curiosity and reverence.

Curiosity, as Dr. Nagoski writes, is turning toward what is true. Not what we wish were true. Not what we were taught should be true. But what is. This kind of curiosity says, “I see you. I love you. I want to know you.”

Imagine what shifts in long-term partnerships when this becomes our baseline.

The Truth About Bodies

Bodies change. That’s not a problem—it’s a reality. They change with time, ailments, medication, pregnancy, grief, and stress. A relationship that stays rooted in performance, fantasy, or fear of change will struggle. But one that’s rooted in curiosity and care has room to expand.

I’ve known couples who are navigating the impacts of trauma, menopause, chronic pain, postpartum identity shifts, or gender transitions—find deeper intimacy when they stop resisting change and begin honoring what is. This requires a move away from expectation and toward presence. As Dr. Nagoski reminds us, our bodies may develop new needs. And when those needs are met with attuned care rather than comparison or shame, love flourishes.

Shame Lives in the Body

Let’s be honest—there isn’t a single person who hasn’t absorbed sexual shame from somewhere. Culture and media—it seeps in. It settles in our skin, our breath, our hips, our inner narratives.

And yet, shame cannot survive sustained curiosity and loving attention. When we name shame, when we speak it aloud in the presence of a safe other—our partner, a therapist, even our own inner witness—it begins to loosen its grip. We make more of ourselves available for connection and pleasure.

Magic, Metaphor, and Healing

What I love about this chapter is its embrace of myth, fantasy, and the symbolic language of healing. Many survivors of trauma—whether sexual, emotional, or systemic—need more than logic to reclaim wholeness. They need magic. They need metaphor.

Trauma can turn those impacted into dragons—fierce and fire-breathing or phoenixes, burning down what no longer serves to rise again. Some feel called to be wise witches, wounded healers, or quiet warriors. These aren’t just stories—they are roadmaps. They help us metabolize pain, transmute shame, and find power in places we were once powerless.

These metaphors aren’t silly. They’re sacred. They help us reframe our histories, reclaim our bodies, and reimagine our partnerships.

Coming Together, As We Are

What Dr. Nagoski offers in this chapter is not a technique—it’s a way of being. Living in bodies—truly living in them—requires courage, compassion, and the willingness to meet ourselves and our partners over and over again, in whatever form we’re currently taking.

It’s not about fixing what’s “wrong.” It’s about staying present with what’s real.

So here’s my invitation to you and your beloved: Let your curiosity lead. Turn toward each other. Talk about your shame. Share your myths. Touch each other like your bodies are sacred texts, always evolving, always deserving of love.

You’re not who you were five years ago. Neither is your partner.

Good. That means you get to fall in love all over again.

With curiosity and care,

A couple therapist who believes in wise witches and wizards, healing, and the sacred work of showing up in your ever-changing body.

Confidence, Joy, and Trust: The Foundation of Sex-Positive Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

Confidence, Joy, and Trust: The Foundation of Sex-Positive Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

by | Sep 1, 2024 | Articles

Confidence, Joy, and Trust: The Foundation of Sex-Positive Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

At times, I sit with couples who are quietly carrying a deep and painful question: “Are we okay?” Specifically, they’re wondering about their sexual connection. And while that question often sounds like, “Are we normal?” or “Why isn’t it like it used to be?” underneath it is often a longing not just for sexual passion, but for emotional closeness, safety, and a return to playfulness.

Dr. Emily Nagoski’s insights in Come Together, offer a transformative reframing of sex in long-term relationships. They invite us to release perfection and instead embrace a sex-positive mindset rooted in confidence, joy, and trust—not just in the bedroom, but in the emotional architecture of our partnerships.

Confidence: Knowing What’s True

Confidence in a sexual relationship doesn’t come from a flawless body or a perfectly choreographed night. It begins with knowing what’s true—about your body, your history, your relationship, and the cultural messages you’ve inherited. This includes the traumas or wounds you may have carried silently, the misunderstandings you picked up from media or upbringing, and even the silent expectations you placed on yourself or your partner.

When we treat confidence as self-knowledge instead of performance, we empower ourselves to relate authentically. It gives us permission to say, “This is what feels good,” or “This isn’t working for me,” without shame. It allows us to bring our full selves into the relationship, not just our curated or performative selves.

Joy: Loving What’s True

Here’s where the real healing begins— loving what’s true. Not tolerating it. Not fixing it. Loving it. That means loving your aging or postpartum body, your introverted libido, or the different pace your partner might have around arousal. It means internally saying, “Even if this isn’t what I thought sex should look like, it is still real, intimate, and valuable.”

This is radical, especially in a culture obsessed with peak performance and constant desire. But joy doesn’t mean that every moment is ecstasy. Joy means making space for authenticity and connection, even when things are awkward, tender, or slow.

In my work, I see over and over that when couples can let go of the myth of normal or perfect sex and instead honor their shared truth with compassion, they rediscover intimacy—not just sexual, but emotional. They begin to play again.

The Healing Cycle of Intimacy

Sexuality isn’t a journey from broken to perfect. As Dr. Nagoski wisely puts it, it exists in a cycle of woundedness to healing. That cycle is ongoing. There is no finish line, no moment when you’ve arrived at flawless intimacy. Instead, we are always evolving, grieving what’s changed, celebrating what’s growing, and healing what was once hurt.

This lens is freeing. It says: You are not behind. You are not broken. You are in motion.

Trust: The Emotional Bedrock of Sexual Connection

If confidence and joy are the internal guides, trust is the relational container that holds it all. And trust, as Sue Johnson outlines with the A.R.E. model, is emotional: Are you Accessible? Responsive? Engaged?

Trust doesn’t come from grand declarations or scheduled date nights (though those help). It’s built in the micro-moments: when you hold your partner’s gaze during a hard conversation, when you don’t rush to fix but instead sit beside their sadness, when you say, “Tell me more” instead of “That’s not true.”

This emotional presence isn’t always efficient. It takes time. But it is the most effective way to build long-lasting sexual and emotional intimacy. Without trust, even the most technically perfect sex can feel empty. With trust, even the simplest physical connection—holding hands in silence—can feel profound.

Liking, Admiring, and Choosing Each Other

Finally, a reminder that often surprises couples: You don’t need to feel constant passion for your partner. What you do need is to like them. To admire them. And to believe they’re worth your effort. Passion may ebb and flow, but choosing to stay emotionally and physically curious about your partner is what sustains long-term desire.

So when your partner walks through the door, pause and ask yourself: Do I like this person? Do I admire something about them today? Am I choosing to stay engaged, not out of duty, but out of affection?

Sex in long-term relationships isn’t about achieving perfect alignment. It’s about nurturing the foundation: confidence in who you are, joy in embracing your truth, and trust in one another’s emotional availability.

If you’re in a season of sexual disconnection, know this: You’re not alone, you’re not behind, and you’re not broken. You are in the cycle—healing, growing, becoming. And that, in itself, is something to be celebrated.

If you’re looking to rediscover joy and confidence in your relationship, I invite you to reach out.

Emotional Floorplans for Sexual Connection

Emotional Floorplans for Sexual Connection

by | Aug 1, 2024 | Articles

Emotional Floorplans for Sexual Connection

I often see partners who long for more closeness and connection in their sex life in my work as a couple therapist. Couples struggle to get there because they don’t realize they’re stuck in emotional rooms that make pleasure nearly impossible. You cannot access lust when you’re lost in panic. You can’t play when you’re drowning in grief. The key isn’t to force yourself to feel differently, but to know where you are—and to begin the gentle work of walking into a different emotional room.

A crucial element that Dr. Emily Nagoski discusses in her book Come Together is the relationship between our emotional states and sexual pleasure. She divides emotional spaces into those that are pleasure-favorable—lust, play, seeking, and care and pleasure-adverse—panic, grief, fear, and rage. The emotional space we occupy deeply influences our ability to engage in intimate experiences.

Couples who understand how to navigate these emotional spaces can create a more robust sexual connection. For example, knowing what moves you into a lustful or playful state—and recognizing when you’re slipping into fear or grief—can help you regulate your internal experience. If someone in a relationship can recognize when they are not in a pleasure-favorable space, they can gently work to shift into one that fosters connection and intimacy. Couples can also work together to move into those spaces. This might involve reducing external stress, creating a sense of emotional safety, or practicing mindfulness to reconnect with the body and present moment.

Moving Toward Lust: Getting Unstuck

Many couples feel stuck in their sexual relationship, even if they like the sex available to them. The challenge often lies in accessing the lust space—that emotional state of curiosity, desire, and playfulness that primes the body and mind for intimacy.

Dr. Nagoski reminds us that you don’t need to jump straight into lust. In fact, trying to do so can backfire if you’re in a space that’s too far removed emotionally. Instead, focus on moving into one of the neighboring rooms: play, care, relaxation. These are more accessible, and they naturally pave the way toward desire. Aim not for lust itself, but for a space next door to it.

Your emotional floorplan is like a map of your internal landscape. It tells you where you are, and what emotional states are close by. When couples explore this map together—without pressure, with curiosity—they learn how to co-create an environment that makes pleasure possible. This exploration is just as important as the destination. For some, simply identifying that they are in a state of stress or overwhelm can be a profound shift. From there, you can ask: What would help us feel safe? What helps us feel close, or playful, or relaxed?

The Slow Work of Co-Creation

One of the most healing ideas in Dr. Nagoski’s work is that this process takes time—and it’s supposed to. Emotional intimacy and sexual pleasure are not always spontaneous. They are not indicators of how compatible you are, but how safe and understood you feel with each other. The myth that desire should come effortlessly only creates shame and silence around a deeply human experience.

The truth is that many couples have to learn—sometimes for the first time—how to attune to their own emotional spaces and share that awareness with a partner. This is where therapy, communication, and patience make all the difference. When both people in the relationship are invested in understanding and supporting each other’s emotional experience, a deeper, more sustainable connection can emerge.

Pleasure is not a destination—it’s a path we walk together. Emotional floorplans give us the language and tools to explore that path with kindness and intention. When we stop trying to rush into lust and instead focus on building trust, safety, and play, we open the door to a more authentic and resilient intimacy. And that’s where the real magic happens.

Understanding Desire, Pleasure, and Connection for Sexual Well-Being

Understanding Desire, Pleasure, and Connection for Sexual Well-Being

by | Jul 1, 2024 | Articles

Understanding Desire, Pleasure, and Connection for Sexual Well-Being

As a couple therapist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many individuals and couples navigating the complexities of their intimate lives. One of the most common themes I encounter is the notion of sexual desire—how it emerges, why it sometimes disappears, and what can be done to reignite the spark of connection. Dr. Emily Nagoski’s Come Together provides valuable insights into this area. The initial few chapters explore the science of desire, the importance of pleasure, and the impact of our emotional states on sexual well-being.

The Desire We Crave: Connection, Pleasure, and Freedom

When we think about sex, it’s easy to focus on the physical act itself—often equating it with orgasm or frequency. But, as Dr. Nagoski points out, what most people truly desire from sex isn’t just the act or the climax, but the connection it fosters, the pleasure it brings, and the sense of freedom it offers from the stresses of everyday life. 

However, this isn’t always the case for everyone. There are times when someone might not want sex, and that’s perfectly normal. Instead of rushing to fix it, a powerful question to ask is, “What is it that I don’t want, when I don’t want sex?” This simple yet profound inquiry can unlock deeper layers of understanding about what’s going on emotionally, physically, or mentally in a person’s life.

The Dual Nature of Desire: Accelerators and Brakes

Dr. Nagoski introduces a crucial concept that can be particularly enlightening for couples experiencing sexual difficulties: the idea of the “sexual accelerator” and the “sexual brakes.” These two components are central to understanding why we sometimes feel drawn to intimacy, and other times, we just can’t seem to get there.

The sexual accelerator is the part of our brain that reacts to stimuli—anything that is considered arousing or seductive. It signals us to “turn on” and seek pleasure. On the flip side, the sexual brakes are those mental and emotional responses that cause us to “turn off.” These are the signals that we associate with threat or discomfort, whether due to stress, past trauma, fatigue, or anxiety.

When people struggle with intimacy, it’s often because there’s an overactivation of the brakes rather than an underactivation of the accelerator. It’s not that there’s a lack of desire—it’s that there are too many things, internal or external, pushing the brakes too hard. Understanding these dynamics is a first step toward creating a more conducive environment for sexual connection.

Pleasure: The True Measure of Sexual Well-Being

When it comes to sexual well-being, Dr. Nagoski makes an important point: pleasure is the ultimate measure. This doesn’t mean that the frequency of sex, the number of orgasms, or the level of desire are the only indicators of sexual health. It’s about whether or not you genuinely enjoy the sex you’re having. Pleasure is deeply connected to context—how you feel in your body, how safe and comfortable you are in the situation, and whether your emotional and mental states align with the experience.

This insight can be transformative for couples who feel stuck in a cycle of “low desire.” If you don’t like the sex you’re having, it’s no wonder that you don’t feel motivated to engage in it. The key is to create an environment where pleasure becomes easier to access, not just for one partner, but for both. This means exploring and co-creating a context where both individuals feel emotionally and physically safe, where pleasure is prioritized over performance, and where curiosity replaces judgment.

Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire: Understanding the Difference

One of the most pervasive cultural narratives around sex is the idea that desire should always emerge spontaneously. We’re often told that a healthy sexual relationship is marked by frequent, spontaneous desire. But Dr. Nagoski challenges this notion, pointing out that responsive desire—desire that emerges in response to pleasurable experiences—can be just as valid and normal as spontaneous desire.

For many couples, especially those who consider themselves to have “low desire,” the issue is not that they don’t want sex; it’s that they don’t like the sex they’re having. If the sex doesn’t bring pleasure, it’s not surprising that the desire to engage in it fades. This is where open communication and mutual exploration can make all the difference. By taking the time to understand each other’s needs and desires, couples can move away from the desire imperative—the belief that desire should always be spontaneous—and shift toward creating a sexual dynamic that feels fulfilling and connected.

Final Thoughts

At the heart of sexual well-being is the pursuit of connection, pleasure, and mutual understanding. By moving away from rigid expectations and embracing the complexity of human desire, couples can create a more fulfilling and connected sexual relationship. It’s not about how much sex you have, how often you desire it, or even how many orgasms you experience. It’s about whether you like the sex you’re having and whether it fosters the deep connection, pleasure, and intimacy you both crave.

As you navigate your sexual journey with your partner, remember that pleasure is the ultimate goal, and it’s something that can be co-created with care, curiosity, and compassion.

How to Choose your Therapist

How to Choose your Therapist

by | Jun 1, 2024 | Articles

How to Choose your Therapist

I understand that choosing the right therapist is a crucial decision, one that can profoundly impact your healing journey. Here are some important factors to consider when selecting a therapist, from my perspective:

1. **Connection:** The therapeutic relationship is the cornerstone of effective therapy. Feeling understood, supported, and accepted by your therapist is vital for progress. I strive to create a safe and nonjudgmental space where clients feel heard and valued.

2. **Therapeutic Approach:** It’s essential to find a therapist whose approach resonates with you. Whether you prefer a psychodynamic therapy, or mindfulness-based and person-centered like my own approach, it’s crucial to feel comfortable with the methods used in therapy.

3. **Experience and Expertise:** Look for a therapist who has experience working with issues similar to yours. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship issues, a therapist with relevant expertise can provide more effective support and guidance.

4. **Cultural Humility:** Cultural factors play a significant role in shaping our experiences and perceptions of mental health. It’s crucial to find a therapist who is culturally sensitive to your background and identity. I am mindful of the diverse backgrounds and experiences of my clients, and I strive to create an inclusive and affirming space for everyone.

5. **Collaborative Approach:** Therapy is a collaborative process, and it’s essential to find a therapist who values your input and actively involves you in the therapeutic journey. I believe in co-creating goals and strategies with my clients, empowering them to take an active role in their healing process.

6. **Flexibility and Accessibility:** Consider practical factors such as location, scheduling options, and session format (in-person, online, or hybrid). I aim to offer flexibility and accessibility to accommodate my clients’ needs and preferences, ensuring that therapy fits seamlessly into their lives.

7. **Ethical Standards:** Trust and integrity are fundamental in the therapeutic relationship. Look for a therapist who adheres to ethical guidelines and prioritizes your well-being above all else. I uphold strict ethical standards in my practice, ensuring confidentiality, professionalism, and respect for my clients’ autonomy.

Ultimately, the most important factor in choosing a therapist is finding someone with whom you feel comfortable, deeply heard, and valued. I strive to embody these qualities in my practice, providing a nurturing and empowering space for my clients to embark on their healing journey.