Understanding Desire, Pleasure, and Connection for Sexual Well-Being
As a couple therapist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many individuals and couples navigating the complexities of their intimate lives. One of the most common themes I encounter is the notion of sexual desire—how it emerges, why it sometimes disappears, and what can be done to reignite the spark of connection. Dr. Emily Nagoski’s Come Together provides valuable insights into this area. The initial few chapters explore the science of desire, the importance of pleasure, and the impact of our emotional states on sexual well-being.
The Desire We Crave: Connection, Pleasure, and Freedom
When we think about sex, it’s easy to focus on the physical act itself—often equating it with orgasm or frequency. But, as Dr. Nagoski points out, what most people truly desire from sex isn’t just the act or the climax, but the connection it fosters, the pleasure it brings, and the sense of freedom it offers from the stresses of everyday life.
However, this isn’t always the case for everyone. There are times when someone might not want sex, and that’s perfectly normal. Instead of rushing to fix it, a powerful question to ask is, “What is it that I don’t want, when I don’t want sex?” This simple yet profound inquiry can unlock deeper layers of understanding about what’s going on emotionally, physically, or mentally in a person’s life.
The Dual Nature of Desire: Accelerators and Brakes
Dr. Nagoski introduces a crucial concept that can be particularly enlightening for couples experiencing sexual difficulties: the idea of the “sexual accelerator” and the “sexual brakes.” These two components are central to understanding why we sometimes feel drawn to intimacy, and other times, we just can’t seem to get there.
The sexual accelerator is the part of our brain that reacts to stimuli—anything that is considered arousing or seductive. It signals us to “turn on” and seek pleasure. On the flip side, the sexual brakes are those mental and emotional responses that cause us to “turn off.” These are the signals that we associate with threat or discomfort, whether due to stress, past trauma, fatigue, or anxiety.
When people struggle with intimacy, it’s often because there’s an overactivation of the brakes rather than an underactivation of the accelerator. It’s not that there’s a lack of desire—it’s that there are too many things, internal or external, pushing the brakes too hard. Understanding these dynamics is a first step toward creating a more conducive environment for sexual connection.
Pleasure: The True Measure of Sexual Well-Being
When it comes to sexual well-being, Dr. Nagoski makes an important point: pleasure is the ultimate measure. This doesn’t mean that the frequency of sex, the number of orgasms, or the level of desire are the only indicators of sexual health. It’s about whether or not you genuinely enjoy the sex you’re having. Pleasure is deeply connected to context—how you feel in your body, how safe and comfortable you are in the situation, and whether your emotional and mental states align with the experience.
This insight can be transformative for couples who feel stuck in a cycle of “low desire.” If you don’t like the sex you’re having, it’s no wonder that you don’t feel motivated to engage in it. The key is to create an environment where pleasure becomes easier to access, not just for one partner, but for both. This means exploring and co-creating a context where both individuals feel emotionally and physically safe, where pleasure is prioritized over performance, and where curiosity replaces judgment.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire: Understanding the Difference
One of the most pervasive cultural narratives around sex is the idea that desire should always emerge spontaneously. We’re often told that a healthy sexual relationship is marked by frequent, spontaneous desire. But Dr. Nagoski challenges this notion, pointing out that responsive desire—desire that emerges in response to pleasurable experiences—can be just as valid and normal as spontaneous desire.
For many couples, especially those who consider themselves to have “low desire,” the issue is not that they don’t want sex; it’s that they don’t like the sex they’re having. If the sex doesn’t bring pleasure, it’s not surprising that the desire to engage in it fades. This is where open communication and mutual exploration can make all the difference. By taking the time to understand each other’s needs and desires, couples can move away from the desire imperative—the belief that desire should always be spontaneous—and shift toward creating a sexual dynamic that feels fulfilling and connected.
Final Thoughts
At the heart of sexual well-being is the pursuit of connection, pleasure, and mutual understanding. By moving away from rigid expectations and embracing the complexity of human desire, couples can create a more fulfilling and connected sexual relationship. It’s not about how much sex you have, how often you desire it, or even how many orgasms you experience. It’s about whether you like the sex you’re having and whether it fosters the deep connection, pleasure, and intimacy you both crave.
As you navigate your sexual journey with your partner, remember that pleasure is the ultimate goal, and it’s something that can be co-created with care, curiosity, and compassion.