Confidence, Joy, and Trust: The Foundation of Sex-Positive Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

At times, I sit with couples who are quietly carrying a deep and painful question: “Are we okay?” Specifically, they’re wondering about their sexual connection. And while that question often sounds like, “Are we normal?” or “Why isn’t it like it used to be?” underneath it is often a longing not just for sexual passion, but for emotional closeness, safety, and a return to playfulness.

Dr. Emily Nagoski’s insights in Come Together, offer a transformative reframing of sex in long-term relationships. They invite us to release perfection and instead embrace a sex-positive mindset rooted in confidence, joy, and trust—not just in the bedroom, but in the emotional architecture of our partnerships.

Confidence: Knowing What’s True

Confidence in a sexual relationship doesn’t come from a flawless body or a perfectly choreographed night. It begins with knowing what’s true—about your body, your history, your relationship, and the cultural messages you’ve inherited. This includes the traumas or wounds you may have carried silently, the misunderstandings you picked up from media or upbringing, and even the silent expectations you placed on yourself or your partner.

When we treat confidence as self-knowledge instead of performance, we empower ourselves to relate authentically. It gives us permission to say, “This is what feels good,” or “This isn’t working for me,” without shame. It allows us to bring our full selves into the relationship, not just our curated or performative selves.

Joy: Loving What’s True

Here’s where the real healing begins— loving what’s true. Not tolerating it. Not fixing it. Loving it. That means loving your aging or postpartum body, your introverted libido, or the different pace your partner might have around arousal. It means internally saying, “Even if this isn’t what I thought sex should look like, it is still real, intimate, and valuable.”

This is radical, especially in a culture obsessed with peak performance and constant desire. But joy doesn’t mean that every moment is ecstasy. Joy means making space for authenticity and connection, even when things are awkward, tender, or slow.

In my work, I see over and over that when couples can let go of the myth of normal or perfect sex and instead honor their shared truth with compassion, they rediscover intimacy—not just sexual, but emotional. They begin to play again.

The Healing Cycle of Intimacy

Sexuality isn’t a journey from broken to perfect. As Dr. Nagoski wisely puts it, it exists in a cycle of woundedness to healing. That cycle is ongoing. There is no finish line, no moment when you’ve arrived at flawless intimacy. Instead, we are always evolving, grieving what’s changed, celebrating what’s growing, and healing what was once hurt.

This lens is freeing. It says: You are not behind. You are not broken. You are in motion.

Trust: The Emotional Bedrock of Sexual Connection

If confidence and joy are the internal guides, trust is the relational container that holds it all. And trust, as Sue Johnson outlines with the A.R.E. model, is emotional: Are you Accessible? Responsive? Engaged?

Trust doesn’t come from grand declarations or scheduled date nights (though those help). It’s built in the micro-moments: when you hold your partner’s gaze during a hard conversation, when you don’t rush to fix but instead sit beside their sadness, when you say, “Tell me more” instead of “That’s not true.”

This emotional presence isn’t always efficient. It takes time. But it is the most effective way to build long-lasting sexual and emotional intimacy. Without trust, even the most technically perfect sex can feel empty. With trust, even the simplest physical connection—holding hands in silence—can feel profound.

Liking, Admiring, and Choosing Each Other

Finally, a reminder that often surprises couples: You don’t need to feel constant passion for your partner. What you do need is to like them. To admire them. And to believe they’re worth your effort. Passion may ebb and flow, but choosing to stay emotionally and physically curious about your partner is what sustains long-term desire.

So when your partner walks through the door, pause and ask yourself: Do I like this person? Do I admire something about them today? Am I choosing to stay engaged, not out of duty, but out of affection?

Sex in long-term relationships isn’t about achieving perfect alignment. It’s about nurturing the foundation: confidence in who you are, joy in embracing your truth, and trust in one another’s emotional availability.

If you’re in a season of sexual disconnection, know this: You’re not alone, you’re not behind, and you’re not broken. You are in the cycle—healing, growing, becoming. And that, in itself, is something to be celebrated.

If you’re looking to rediscover joy and confidence in your relationship, I invite you to reach out.