Causes of Relationship Issues

Causes of Relationship Issues

Causes of Relationship Issues

Frequently clients come in for a common relationship issue and then find that there are deeper relationship issues beneath the disagreements are finances and intimacy. Here are 10 underlying psychological relationship issues:

Differences between partners: Some couples may struggle with issues related to differences in opinions, conflicting expectations, and communication styles. Couples may need help reconciling their differences, particularly if they have conflicting personalities, interests, or goals. Some couples may initially be attracted to each other and be highly compatible due to shared activities and enjoyment at the beginning of a relationship. They then may find that they diverge on deeper topics around values systems and how to raise a family. 

Lack of trust: Some members of a couple lack confidence in their partner due to actual or perceived breaches in the relationship. 

Lack of respect: As trust breaks down from dishonesty or not keeping one’s word, communication issues multiply. Signs of disrespect between partners may increase through non-verbal and verbal communication, including passive-aggressiveness. 

Conflicting expectations: Couples may have unsaid or differing expectations about what they want from each other or what it means to be in a relationship. Expectations that are unsaid or differ can lead to a build-up of resentment.

Insecurity: Feelings of insecurity can be an issue in a relationship related to past experiences or current feelings of inadequacy. This can cause tension and conflict as partners seem to compete and bring each other down.

Emotional sensitivities or vulnerabilities from each partner from past relationships or childhood: Past experiences can also shape how individuals view and approach relationships, leading to emotional sensitivities or vulnerabilities that can cause conflict.

Issues stemming from childhood: Childhood experiences, both joyous and traumatic, can shape how individuals approach relationships, leading to patterns of behavior or communication that may cause conflict.

Differing family makeup: Growing up in different family cultures, traditions, household styles, and family size can also cause tension in a relationship, particularly if one partner has different expectations or beliefs about how a relationship should function.

External stressful circumstances: Stressful circumstances, such as job loss or illness, may exacerbate the problem created by differences and emotional sensitivities.

Patterns of interaction: Couples may also fall into patterns of interaction that can escalate the problem, such as the “pursue-pursue,” “pursue-withdraw,” or “withdraw-withdraw” dynamics. Pursue-pursue, withdraw-withdraw, and pursue-withdraw are three common interaction patterns that can create relationship problems. In pursue-pursue, both partners aggressively pursue the other, which can create tension and conflict. In withdraw-withdraw, both partners withdraw from each other, leading to feelings of isolation and disconnection. In a pursue-withdraw, one partner pursues while the other withdraws, creating imbalance and resentment.

Common Relationship Issues

Common Relationship Issues

Common Relationship Issues

I often hear from clients about the common issues they face in their relationships. These issues can range from minor irritations to significant problems threatening the relationship’s survival. Read on to learn about the ten most common relationship problems:

Communication: Many couples struggle with communication issues, conflicts, and disagreements that may arise in a relationship with their partner. The problem is often rooted in underlying trust, respect, and compatibility issues. More on that later! 

Lack of intimacy: Lack of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical intimacy can be a significant problem for many couples, leading to loneliness and disconnection.

Financial disagreement: Financial issues, such as disagreements over how to spend or save joint money, can be a common source of conflict in a relationship.

Jealousy: Jealousy can also be a source of tension in a relationship, particularly if one partner feels threatened by the other’s relationships or past experiences.

Long distance: Long-distance relationships can present unique challenges, such as difficulty with communication and maintaining a connection.

Age gap: Contrasts in life values, norms, and lifestyles can arise with couples with generational differences.

Household Roles: Unbalanced division of household roles can be a source of tension in a relationship, particularly if both partners have different expectations about the division of household management. One of the most common sources of role conflict in a relationship is cleaning. Many couples struggle with finding a balance between household chores and other responsibilities such as financial management and childrearing, which can lead to feelings of frustration.

Libido: Differences in libido can also be a source of tension in a relationship, particularly if one partner has a higher sex drive than the other.

Infertility: Dealing with fertility concerns can create a heightened time of stress for couples who want to have children. It can be disheartening to accept a different future without children. It can be discouraging and financially straining for couples. For women, infertility treatments can be painful, alter their hormones, reduce their sex drive, and change their relationship with their bodies.

Pregnancy: Pregnancy can be a time of immense change in a relationship. Women struggle with physical and emotional fluctuations during pregnancy. Men may experience couvade syndrome, known more commonly as sympathetic pregnancy, where they sympathetically experience weight gain, nausea, sleep issues, and emotional imbalance. In contrast, other couples may work with the added responsibilities and financial pressures of preparing for a new addition to the family.

Which Type of Marriage Therapy is Best?

Which Type of Marriage Therapy is Best?

Are you ready to take the brave step to start couple therapy? Maybe you began researching marriage counseling, and you found that there are multiple approaches to marriage therapy like CBCT, IBCT, Gottman, and EFT, and you may have become overwhelmed. I hope to answer some of the most frequently asked questions about the different types of marriage counseling and how to pick the right one for your relationship. 

The structure and style of marriage counseling vary depending on the therapist and the couple’s needs. There are various styles of couple therapy approaches that therapists may primarily utilize. Some types are more behavioral-based, some rely on a structured method, and some are more intuitive and emotionally focused. It is helpful to find out what style of therapy a prospective therapist utilizes and see if it suits you.

 

Which Type of Marriage Therapy is Best?

My practice integrates all four of these methods of couple therapy, depending on your needs. If you are ready to start couples therapy or would like more information, please reach out today!

It’s important to note that any method of couple therapy will be most effective where both parties are committed to doing the work of seeking to understand and hear their partner, and willingness to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy

Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy (CBCT) is based on research on cognitive-behavioral therapy for individuals. It is a somewhat structured approach that focuses on modifying behaviors. CBCT focuses on interacting with partners’ thoughts, emotions, and actions. CBCT seeks to reduce distressing emotions and increase positive feelings in partners. Throughout the work, partners may be asked to reflect on their thought patterns and reframe thoughts to reduce mental relationship barriers and increase closeness (i.e., reframing the belief ‘you do not care about anything I want’). 

A primary goal is to improve problem-solving skills and work more collaboratively to find aligned solutions. In sessions, speaker-listener tools are utilized to practice active listening and communicating thoughts, needs, and feelings more effectively to their partner to reduce blame and increase empathy and understanding. CBCT also focuses on modifying unhealthy behaviors that impact the relationship. Overall, CBCT is excellent for couples who would like to have a somewhat structured approach to therapy and focus on improving communication skills, modifying individual and coupled behaviors, and learning to work as a team more effectively.

Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy

Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) is based on integrating both acceptance and change in a relationship. Dr. Andrew Christensen, Ph.D., and Dr. Neil S.Jacobson, Ph.D., researched and developed IBCT to address differences between partners and create positive change. Although acceptance and change can sometimes be seen as differing concepts, integrating both provides a deepening and more harmonic bond behind partners. In IBCT, the therapist takes on an analytical and leadership role, as the therapist will initially meet with the couple  and create a case formulation of the differences between each member of the couple. The therapist will then present this case formulation to the couple and use it as a framework to identify individual differences to understand each other more intimately and accept them. The case formulation utilizes the ‘DEEP’ model, which emphasizes the cause of why problems occur in relationships. DEEP is an acronym for Differences between partners, Emotional sensitivities, External stress, and communication Patterns. Differences between partners refers to acknowledging the natural differences that are beneficial to recognize in order to reduce confusion or conflict, such as differing needs for affection. Emotional sensitivities are based on early childhood and adult experiences that influence clients’ differing wants and needs in a relationship currently, and the intention is to be accepting of each partner’s differences. External stress can highlight differences in how each partner copes with challenges and stress. Patterns of communication emphasize how each partner typically communicates to resolve conflict brought on by disagreements, emotional sensitivities, and external stressors. 

While acceptance of differences is initially emphasized, conflictual communication patterns are also changed to increase empathy and solve problems with win/win solutions. Overall, IBCT is excellent for couples who want an analytical approach that focuses on understanding and accepting differences and then emphasizes the positive elements in a relationship to create win/win resolutions.  

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a structured method based on 40-years of research initially pioneered by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Research that influences the therapeutic work includes the critical finding that successful couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences. Gottman’s research also uncovered that couples more likely to separate had signs of the ‘Four Horsemen of Apocalypse,’ which include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Additionally, the research found that couples that turned toward each other for emotional, physical, and behavioral support rather than turned away in everyday moments tended to have greater relationship longevity and satisfaction. 

The Gottman Method begins with an in-depth assessment of the couple’s relationship. The Sound Relationship House is the symbolic structure for the therapeutic work that houses a wall of trust and commitment. The sessions provide tools that include building ‘love maps’ to understand each other better, sharing greater fondness and admiration, practicing turning towards instead of away from each other, focusing on the positive perspective, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning together. Overall, The Gottman Method is excellent for couples who want a highly structured methodology based on experimental research with a clear therapeutic formula from start to finish to increase positive experiences in the relationship and reduce negative experiences in the relationship.

Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy

Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) is emotionally-focused, intuitive, and somewhat unstructured. EFCT is based on the research by Dr. Sue Johnson, who focuses on the emotional dance between couples. EFCT identifies three ‘Demon Dialogues’ that create a felt sense of hurt and rejection based on nervous system activations, which include ‘Find the Bad Guy,’ where each partner is in fight mode and criticizing each other, ‘The Protest Polka,’ where a partner demands something and the other partner becomes defensive or shuts down, and ‘Freeze and Flee’ where both partners shut down. 

EFCT begins by first identifying the partner dance and seeing that the dance is nonlinear and each partner contributes to the dance. Partners need to take ownership of their part in the dance and call it out when they get stuck. After identifying the dance, EFCT goes beneath the content to the raw spots rooted in an insecure attachment (i.e., I feel rejected). The therapeutic space is a place to attune, empathize, and better understand each partner’s raw spots and to be an anchor of support, nurturance, and love at the moment. Each moment can be an opportunity to rebuild emotional trust in a relationship by increasing accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Couples can create secure attachment styles and deeper, lasting connections through greater attuning to each other. Overall, EFCT is excellent for couples who want an unstructured therapy approach that focuses on identifying emotional attachment needs to create a strong foundation of attuned empathy, care, and safety. 

Please note, couple therapy is not recommended or beneficial in relationships where there has been physical violence, or where one partner has shown a pattern of controlling or intimidating behavior. Domestic violence is a crime. Please call 911 or the domestic violence hotline if you need help. 

Can Marriage Counseling Save Your Marriage?

Can Marriage Counseling Save Your Marriage?

Can Marriage Counseling Save Your Marriage?

“Do you have your hearing aids in?” – Miranda

“Yeah, one of them.” – Steve

“Well, can you get the other? I want to talk to you about something?” – Miranda

“Just talk into this one.” – Steve

“I would rather not have to yell it.” – Miranda

“Ok, I think it is in the couch cushions.” – Steve

 

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Leading up to this scene from And Just Like That, Miranda admits to her friends that she has been unhappy in her relationship for years, yet she has not talked to her partner, Steve, about her feelings. Time goes by where she unhappily eats dessert by his side without talking to him. Miranda does not speak to Steve about her unhappiness, desire for change, or attraction to other people outside of their marriage. Instead, she holds it in and drinks excessively. Finally, she has a relationship outside of her marriage without discussing opening the marriage with her husband. At first glance, it may seem like an affair was an impulse, but on closer inspection, this had been building up for a long time. Would you like to save your marriage before you find yourself splitting up to a blaring sports game in the background while you search for your hearing aids?  The good news is, marriage counseling can help.  Keep reading to find out how.  

 

What is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling is for any couple looking to connect better with their partner. Counseling is a safe place where couples can feel comfortable to express their concerns about their relationship.

What is Marriage Counseling?     

Marriage counseling is for any couple looking to connect better with their partner. Counseling is a safe place where couples can feel comfortable to express their concerns about their relationship. They can learn tools to better communicate and ways to relate to each other more constructively and tenderly.    

Marriage counseling is not only for married couples.  In fact, the name is rather dated – marriage counseling is really the same as relationship counseling and couples counseling, and is for unmarried couples, monogamous couples, couples in open relationships, polyamorous relationships, or any partners in significant relationships.   

When is Marriage Counseling Needed?   

Marriage counseling is needed when couples continue to run into the same distressing communication issues or the same problems over and over again, maybe with a slightly different disguise. Oftentimes, we make negative assumptions about the other person’s intentions.   

In counseling you’ll have an opportunity to practice healthy communication by learning new ways to express your feelings when you’re hurt, and start listening to understand your partner’s perspective.   

You do not need to have experienced extreme distress to seek marriage counseling. In fact, if you are reading this blog and are interested in improving communication and closeness in your relationship, couples counseling will likely be beneficial.  

Marriage counseling can help with:   

*trust issues 

*infidelity   

*parenting issues 

*relationship ambivalence

*codependency 

*intimacy issues

*financial disagreements

*premarital preparation  

Is Marriage Counseling for Any Couple? 

Usually, couples come to counseling hoping to learn how to communicate better and understand each other on a deeper level. Some couples come to counseling as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage, while others are deeply in love and committed but have one core issue that keeps coming up. Ideally, each member of a couple has already engaged in some sort of their own individual therapy before seeking marriage counseling, but don’t let that stop you from seeking couples counseling if this is not the case. 

Marriage counseling can sometimes make things worse because counseling can escalate tension in the relationship. If a partner has a history of physical violence towards a partner, this can reoccur during marriage counseling. In these cases, individual therapy for both partners in the relationship is recommended, as well as Domestic Violence and Anger Management class. If you are the victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support: (800) 799-7233.

How Does Marriage Counseling Work? 

You can expect to work through crucial issues and communicate about them more deeply.  Although solutions might not present themselves immediately, you can lay the foundation for resolutions to be found.  It is a space to experience the root of core relationship wounds and begin the process of healing from those wounds. It is a place for individuals to feel genuinely heard by their partners without interruptions or rebuttals. Counseling allows couples to share feelings and hurts without blame or shame. 

Marriage counseling is not simply relationship advice. It is an experiential process where couples come together to uncover their underlying feelings, and to express themselves in a safe space. 

Marriage counseling is an example of primary prevention because it provides clients with a safe space to share and gain tools for communicating more effectively. The real work for couples is taking what they learn and practice in session into the rest of their lives. The best marriage counseling challenges clients to create these shifts in their home lives when the therapist isn’t there to mediate. 

Where to Start with Marriage Counseling

The first step is to reach out for a complimentary discovery session, and then begin your journey to a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship!

 

Benefits of Online Therapy

Benefits of Online Therapy

Benefits of Online Therapy

Perhaps you have thought about starting online therapy but have been unsure if it will be as effective as in-person sessions. Research actually indicates that cognitive-behavioral treatment is equally effective online at treating depression and anxiety symptoms as in-person therapy.[1] Studies have found therapeutic rapport similarly solid with online therapy in individual treatment.[2] In a qualitative study, couples therapy clients reported feeling more comfortable than in-person therapy.[3] Overall, research demonstrates that clients’ psychological well-being improves from home through virtual treatment.[4]

Online therapy has gained popularity since advances in technology platforms such as Zoom. Online therapy is synonymous with virtual therapy and telehealth, which includes video platforms for services. During the start of the pandemic, a time marked by uncertainty and unprecedented changes, many people needed to give virtual therapy a chance. Virtual therapy is here to stay because it is a highly beneficial form of treatment. 

I have supported people from across California. Often, my clients who tried virtual sessions preferred it and found it extremely helpful in the long term. Clients and I share an equally solid connection when meeting virtually. Sometimes we have found it even more effective in quickly getting to know each other and starting the therapeutic work. It has reduced many barriers (and excuses!) to not begin or do therapy consistently. It is now my preferred way to conduct therapy sessions!

Virtual therapy is here to stay because it is a highly beneficial form of treatment. Here are a few significant benefits: 

Find the Ideal Therapist For You

You can search online to find your ideal therapist anywhere in your state who has the vibes that resonate with you and the niche expertise that will best support your needs. Studies show that therapeutic fit is the number one most important factor in therapeutic effectiveness! 

Consider how limiting it can be to settle for a therapist only within a few-mile radius of your office or home that may not be the ideal fit. With teletherapy, you can seek a therapist located across your city or state that would otherwise take 30 minutes to eight hours to seek out in person. You are empowered to choose the best therapist for you and your needs!  

The traditional way of finding a therapist by calling your insurance or searching for a therapist exclusively within your zip code, or looking at a stale directory has, in some ways, become a drag. The traditional method can often lead to hesitation and procrastination in starting the search for a therapist.  

Thanks to social media, blogs, and professional websites, you can read a therapist’s professional social media pages and written blogs to connect with a therapist who excites you to reach out to and start therapy. It can make therapy more approachable. You can view their posts and feel that genuine connection before that first meeting. By getting to know your therapist’s style first, you may be more likely to continue with the therapist when you meet for a first meeting because of the initial good vibes.   

Convenience  

It is easier to fit a session in before, during, or after your workday.    

If you have a private office, you can have therapy during a lunch break or do therapy after work and avoid rush hour traffic, rather than being stuck in more traffic going to another office.    

If you work in a home office, therapy can be a great start or end to your day without leaving home and traveling to a therapy office. You can wake up and show up to therapy in your pajama bottoms with your favorite coffee mug for an early morning session!     

Pets are great emotional support during therapy, but often not welcome in the therapy office. At home, your dog can curl up next to you in your chair, and then the two of you can enjoy a walk after your session.   

If you are a parent with young children, another parent or caregiver can watch your kids during your afternoon therapy session. After the session, you can jump back into parenting duties or make dinner at home without worrying about the extra commute time to and from a therapy office.   

Alternatively, after your workday, you can have a two-hour mental, emotional, and physical wellness time by attending therapy and then hopping on your Peloton for a workout class or on your yoga mat for some vinyasa and meditation. The time you would be spending commuting in traffic could instead be spent practicing the self-care that your therapist is encouraging. Making time for mindfulness and exercise may be part of a holistic plan to reduce your symptoms of anxiety and depression. Rather than thinking, “I don’t have time to exercise,” you can alternatively think, “I could be sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and now I have more time to take care of my body and mind!” 

 Consistency 

With teletherapy, you can still meet with your therapist when you go to your family home or on a business trip in a different part of your state.  

You can continue to meet with your therapist if you have long-term physical mobility or physical health limitations. With injuries, such as a sprained ankle, you can continue with therapy rather than canceling or stressing about how to get to the office. After surgery or while facing a medical condition, you could benefit from the emotional support that therapy would provide. Teletherapy enables you to maintain the line of emotional support from the comfort of your home. Even if you have a cold or virus, you can continue to meet with your therapist from your home rather than reschedule.  

If you are doing couples therapy, you or your partner could be on a business trip in the same state, and you can continue to have treatment. Teletherapy makes it easy to meet for couples therapy if you are taking a break from living together or do not currently live together but still reside in the same state. 

You may ultimately have better and faster positive therapeutic outcomes because you can maintain consistent therapy sessions! 

Comfort

You can practice tools and skills in session from your home and then integrate them into the rest of your home life. If your home has been a place of stress, you can start to rewire your brain to associate your home space as a safe place for self-reflection and positive change. Each session, you can start to associate your home as a positive space to grow, learn, and improve your inner and outer life by directly integrating tools at home. 

I hope this post has helped you better understand virtual therapy, and whether it’s the best option for you. If you are ready to start online therapy and you live in California, please reach out today!

References

[1] Luo C, Sanger N, Singhal N, et al. A comparison of electronically-delivered and face to face cognitive behavioural therapies in depressive disorders: A systematic review and meta-analysis. EClinicalMedicine. 2020;24:100442. doi:10.1016/j.eclinm.2020.100442

[2] Andrews G, Basu A, Cuijpers P, et al. Computer therapy for the anxiety and depression disorders is effective, acceptable and practical health care: An updated meta-analysis. J Anxiety Disord. 2018;55:70-78. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2018.01.001

 

[3] Kysely A, Bishop B, Kane R, Cheng M, De Palma M, Rooney R. Expectations and experiences of couples receiving therapy through videoconferencing: A qualitative study. Front Psychol. 2020;10:2992. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02992

[4] Andersson G, Titov N. Advantages and limitations of internet-based interventions for common mental disorders. World Psychiatry. 2014;13(1):4–11. doi:10.1002/wps.20083