Letting Go of the “Shoulds”: Reimagining Sexual Intimacy

If there’s one theme I see over and over in the couples I work with, it’s this: We are haunted by what we think sex “should” be.

In Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski names this haunting beautifully. She breaks down the pressures many of us carry around sex—pressures that aren’t natural or necessary but learned, absorbed from culture, media, and outdated models of what it means to be in a sexual relationship. And then, she offers us a way out.

The “Sex Imperative” Isn’t Helping

Dr. Nagoski outlines several “imperatives”—internalized rules that tell us we need to be doing sex better, more often, more passionately, more correctly. These include:

* The coital imperative (sex = penetration),
* The variety imperative (keep it spicy or else),
* The performance imperative (be good at it),
* The confidence imperative (feel sexy or don’t bother),
* The pleasure imperative (orgasm or it doesn’t count),
* The relationship imperative (if we’re not having sex, something is wrong with us),
* And the desire imperative (we should always *want* sex, or at least want to want it).

These “rules” create a sense of urgency and failure. Even in loving relationships, they quietly whisper: You’re not doing enough. You’re not enough.

But what if sex didn’t need to be a task, a test, or a symbol of your worth?

What if sex could simply be an experience of shared presence, however it shows up today?

In therapy, I encourage couples to ask: What would intimacy look like if you stopped trying to “fix” our sex life and instead started creating new rules that fit you?

Dr. Nagoski calls this “playing new games.” Maybe your new game is lying in bed together touching each other’s hair. Maybe it’s taking a shower together without the goal of arousal. Maybe it’s saying “no sex tonight” and letting that be a relief, not a failure.

The goal? To release the pressure. To return to connection. To be together as you are, not as you think you “should” be.

The Magic Trick Is Aliveness

Dr. Nagoski moves us beyond sex—into something even more powerful: ecstasy.

She defines it not as orgasm or intensity, but as a state of aliveness, of feeling fully connected to your body, your breath, your self, and the moment.

The “magic trick” she offers? Savor pleasure. Move your body. Touch with consent and love.

That’s it. And yes, it can happen in sex. But it also happens in dance, in chanting, in walking together in rhythm, in yoga classes, in drumming circles, in moments when we’re “in sync” with others.

This is the kind of intimacy that goes deeper than desire—it taps into something spiritual. Something ancestral. Something deeply human.

What This Means in Practice

If you’re in a long-term relationship and struggling with sex—whether it’s desire discrepancies, performance anxiety, or just the slow fade of connection—you’re not broken. You’re human. You’ve been fed a lifetime of imperatives that don’t serve you.

So what if you let go?

What if you created new rituals of intimacy that honor your reality now?

What if your connection wasn’t measured by frequency or technique, but by presence and joy?

And what if you treated pleasure like a practice—one you tend to in all areas of life?

That’s the invitation of Come Together. Let go of the pressure. Get curious. And let your relationship evolve—not toward some perfect ideal, but toward something truer.

From the therapy room to your living room, here’s what I want you to remember: You don’t have to earn intimacy. You don’t have to perform desire. You just have to show up—with curiosity, gentleness, and a willingness to feel alive together.

That’s the real magic.

A couples therapist who believes that intimacy begins when the “shoulds” fall away, and presence takes their place.